Day 2 blues
Hi everyone.
It's really getting to me that I relapsed nearly 2 weeks in when I last decided to quit.
Having regained some control back in my life, I felt I could control my drinking again. The desire and intensity to stop was dappened, and I sucumbed.
I felt quite good for a few weeks, drinking every day but relatively moderate amounts. Deep down I knew I was getting nowhere, and this became increasingly obvious as I realised I couldn't go without each evening. Despite drinking almost double what I had been before (now 80-100 units per week), I was telling myself everything was fine because I wasn't getting drunk. For me, I'm fine up to about a bottle or so. Then on Tuesday I stayed up until 05:00 and got through 3 bottles of wine on top of lager, and the next day it was clear to me that I was as hopelessly addicted as ever.
I know I need to go a bit 'deeper' with my recovery this time to succeed. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel I only scratched the surface last time. There is something very strong inside me that causes me to drink as I do, and unless I can defeat this then I fear it will get the better of me again. My will to stop is strong, but the drinker inside me is also very strong (and cunning). I need to show more respect to this, this time around. I thought I had finally overcome it, but then within weeks it's hold on me was stronger than ever; I can only see this now.
To those who have managed a recovery and those still trying in earnest, you are a great source of inspiration.