When I first came to SR, I wanted validation. I wanted people to agree with me that I was "right" and he (my AH) was "wrong." At that point, I needed him to be wrong in order for me to be right. I didn't realize that it's not black and white, all or nothing.
Many people said things to me I didn't want to hear. I got offended and angry quite often.
I have come to appreciate that there isn't so much difference between alcoholics and those of us who love them. We both prefer to blame the other for our problems. We both have a very difficult time putting down the magnifying glass and picking up the mirror. We both prefer being the victim to taking responsibility for our situations.
My therapist once told me that alcoholism and codependence are just two different branches of the same tree. Her wisdom and guidance helped me regain my life.
Hearing other people's opinions (even recovering alcholics) doesn't make me feel "unsafe." It sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but I now realize that much of the pain in my life was caused by me trying to avoid discomfort.
Recovery is a process, and I know well that a stage in that process is anger at the alcoholic. There is nothing wrong with that. The only danger lies in getting stuck at that stage and never moving past it. I understand where you are in your process because I have been there. You may not understand where I am in my process because you haven't been there yet. But, you will get where you need to go.
There are many double winners on this forum, whose wisdom and insight I value highly. I do not think there should be a bright line dividing the alcoholics from the codependents. We are more alike than most of us want to admit.
L