LostDream

Haven't been here in a while, even though misery has kept its vigil. It's wonderful to see how people fool themselves into believing they are alright!

I am still here... unfortunately. Still going throught the mess with the person I'm married to... who is not drinking (right now) but still such an ******* that now I can't stand her even more!

She truly believes all the ******** things she's made up in her mind about the business, about her drinking, and now that she's had thirty days sober thinks that she has it all together and nowhere do I fit in this picture - it's still the what do you do ****? And even when I'm in the office it's derisive remarks and I hate now that I took the time to see if she'd change and be a better person after detox, but now I'm just sick I screwwed up and stayed!

I guess my feeling have just died for her. I tried to talk to her to see if she actually understood anything on how we survived all her drinking, but she suddenly is so "well" that she now can do it all!

Sure she's is going to meetings... I think. At least she says she is, but the behavior hasn't changed. I want her to read what living with an alcoholic have done to us and the abuses that are heaped upon us daily, and all the misery we go through loving a sick person, but it just doesn't sink in!

But really, that's all I'd need... just some sign that she understood that she's even done wrong! A little sign... just a small recognition. Is that too much to ask of someone who you've given up most of your life for?

Hell, now that Alanon is gone, she won't even understand the simpleness of what "friends of Alcoholics means! The wierdest part is why would someone lie to AA? Why pretend to be all better, when you know you haven't even looked at a stepbook in years? And why make other AA member think you were okay when you weren't? Sure it feels good to not be drinking, but it's a long road to wellness, and part of that is accepting where and what you did while you were drinking... I thought.

Is our love lost? I guess. There is nothing when I look at her anymore. Nothing. Just disgust. And that's not good.

I'm not coming back here.
This is partly why I left AA. I got better more by myself than the advice I found at AA's and although you all have been soooo supportive. That's not what I need. I need answers! Why and how to get out and actually show this fool that she has hurt me! That her unfeeling attitude is killing me literally and I don't want to be with her anymore! I just can't stand being around someone who doesn't feel anything but for their work or how well they look to others.

Maybe it's facetious to think that at my age things are going to change, and right now I don't care since I can't get out of this, but I will find someone to make me happy. Somehow out of this mess!
I just don't care anymore!
You can lie to me all you want. But I'm going to learn how to as well!

so board up the damn tunnel!