Bliss,
You described me perfectly! I stayed sober during my pregnancy and about 6 months after or so, had trouble nursing so the Dr. recommeded drinking beer to help with my milk supply! Was thrilled to hear that, but, sadly, got the drinking cycle started again!
My son is 2 now and this past year has been hell! I've stopped and started over so many times I couldn't begin to tell you how many times!
I too snuck drinks, the difference between us is that I kept getting caught by my H.
I got so sick and tired of the remorse, hangovers, blackouts, passouts, fights with H etc.. I FINALLY admitted I had/have a serious problem with binge drinking! I couldn't drink just a few to relax, when I drank, I drank to get drunk! I didn't drink to escape my life because I generally like my life, I just loved the feeling of being buzzed! Too Much!
I've been sober 16 days today, the longest I've been since pregnancy, before pregnancy, who knows how many years.
All I can offer you is that once you are really ready to accept defeat you will find the strength to stop drinking and stick with it! Doesn't mean that it's a piece of cake, I miss drinking some days, I really do, but, I'm learning that the temporary high can't even begin to compare to the feeling of waking up sober, hangover free, guilt free, and able to like myself again!
I know exactly what you are feeling and going through! Good Luck to you!
You can PM me if you'd like!
K