Sara.....you're dealing with some very difficult things right now....please....be gentle with yourself. You are not an idiot...you are not stupid. You are a human being who cannot control the actions or thoughts or problems of another.......it's just not possible. You can help yourself.....and you are taking some steps to begin helping yourself by coming here.
One of the things we talk about around here a lot is taking care of ourselves. Particularly as mothers, we tend to take care of the children, take care of our husband and we come last. This is really not healthy.
Breathe......and begin taking care of you so that you can be strong and think clearly. You'll be ok.
gentle hugs