..and I'm a very controlling person so recognize it when I see it/read about it. After seven years in Al-Anon I'm very good about not manifesting it on my wife (and she's good at calling me on it when I do), but I'm very challenged to not do it to my daughter-- I find the line very fuzzy for me in the context of parenting, and I have much, much room for improvement here.
More specifically, anything that you do (or don't do) to specifically change his behavior rather than your own, in my opinion is controlling. Clearly, changing your actual behaviors will go directly to this, but also working on not feeling the need to do so, in your brain, will make you actually feel better.
The only place I've been able to get help not thinking this way is in Al-Anon. It didn't happen overnight, but it happened. I'm much happier now because I feel controlling less often, I usually recoginize the urge to control when I'm feeling/thinking it, and I can usually release it once I recognize it. Getting to this point was a lot of work, and very worth it. Like most bad habits, it's hard work to change but worth it.
Sometimes I just physically remove myself from the situation, especially if there's a meeting I can go to. The vindictive part of me loves it because it always pisses them off-- if you leave they can't engage you in the BS.
In my opinion you are doing all the right things, you have definitely opened your mind or are open minded, and you are starting to think in a way that I believe will be healthy for you. Great work! Keep it up.
Take care,
Cyranoak
P.s. I ****ing hated the endless talks! I am so glad they are over.
Originally Posted by
craven 
Could you expound on the controlling stuff? Intuitively I know that I am doing it, but I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is that I do... I can FEEL that I am being controlling (when I hear the ice clink in the glass I twinge). I scrutinize his actions, which I think is some form of control, and I HATE it!! I hate the way it makes me feel.
Your fourth point makes perfect sense. I love logic. And, no, they haven't changed one thing.
I put the alanon meeting in my daily planner- a small step, but I'm getting there!
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom- I cannot tell you how helpful they are right now!