I've left him and feel guilty
I got clean and sober to save my relationship 5 months ago. I was verbally abusive to my ex boyfriend and a real handful in general. I even hit him twice which shows the depths I had reached. The irony is, once I got clean and sober, I realised that HE has his own addiction problems too. I did so much work on myself and am now maintaining my sobriety for me and noone else- I feel great! He said that he had forgiven me for the things I had done and I thought we would be oK. Thing is, I want to keep this new sanity as safe as possible. I therefore asked my ex if he could please keep his weed out of the house and go to a friends if he wants to smoke. Also, leaving me standing in the rain while he smokes around the back of movie theatres before a movie was not cool any more either, it's not how you should treat a girl on a date.
These concerns of mine only came out after HE raised concerns with me about our lifestyles being too different now, that me not drinking and smoking weed has left a big gap between us. This despite the fact that I am out going and love to dance and go to parties still, I just don't want to be surrounded by substances when I close the door at night. I can't understand how he could forgive all the things I did while drinking but have such a huge issue with me being clean!
I am English and he has been living with me in the UK through my drinking and recovery. We had been discussing whether I should be going back to Canada with him to live which was the original plan when all of his new concerns came up about our differing lifestyles. It was only when I tried to REASSURE HIM that it was fine for him to drink to the point of puking and smoke weed every day but just not in the house that I realised just how selfish he is. He literally said that I was "dumb to expect him to keep his weed out of the house" and that "he needs it play his video games". I am a 28-year-old woman studying for my MBA with a great job and lots of friends. I can't believe I was with this guy for 2 years.
The problem is for me now are the feelings of anger that he won't change and the frustration that he can't see that he is selfish. I turned myself around initially for our relationship and I will always be grateful to him for that but Jeez the lack of insight on his part "it's YOU that has the problem, why should I have to change?"
He went back to Canada so we could have some space and think about things. After being back for one week he spoke to me hungover daily, and admitted to taking cocaine 4 times in 8 days. All of this while still telling me our home would always smell of drugs and that I was indeed still dumb for expecting any different even though I am now an active NA member. I told him it was over and I wouldn't be joining him in Canada.
Thing is, I have started dating someone else over the past week and feel SO GUILTY about it. It's been great to be cooked for and spoiled, the guy saw my NA keyring and said that I should be proud of myself for dealing with issues that I had and has been so affectionate and gentle with me. All the while my ex is living with daily hangovers, no job and telling me he has no life. To top it all, I still feel like if he made me promises, I would run back to him. He is a good guy at heart clearly to keep honest about everything, but when I told him I was dating he was openly hurt and bitter and again I felt awful and very guilty to the point where I nearly cancelled my date.
I was just really hoping for a bit of encouragement, I know I need to keep moving forward, the hill just feels really steep at times. Thanks for reading. xxxx