Psyrexa

Hi all, today is my first day sober of my own choice. As much of a good thing this is I just really wish what had to happen for this to be the case didn't happen. My partner of almost five years packed up and left me. I'm only 24 and have been an alcoholic for all my adult life and then some.

I just feel like I need a place to talk as being alone in this house with no real support hurts. I see now, after losing everything that I've chosen alcohol over my own happiness and wellbeing. My partner is staying at his parents and he doesn't know if he'll come back. I really wish I could take back all the pain and destruction I've caused... All I can do now is show that I'm serious this time. No more excuses. It's going to be a hard road but I need to live (a sober life). As I said to my partner today, he is more important to me than alcohol. I want to do this for myself and in the process help heal our relationship.

I really don't understand how I ever thought drinking until I pass out and pee myself and then wake up and keep doing it was ok. Sigh. It's a wonder I'm alive with what I was doing. That's so disgusting and not cool. I guess the more I drank the less I had to think about all the emotions of shame, disgust and hate for myself.

I've been on a waiting list for so many months now to see a psychiatist and I hope I can finally be diagnosed with something more than depression and anxiety. I've begged drs and therapists for so long for help and telling them there's something more, the meds never work and after a month of mania back in July is when I started drinking heavy again... Finally, on Tuesday I may get this help I've been wanting. Sigh. I've hated all this waiting. I can finally see my GP and get tests done to see if I've done any signifcant damage.

Sigh. Thanks for listening. I'm just really bummed right now and feel so alone.