Chicory,
Worry and guilt kept me paralyzed. The first step for me was knowing that there was no action I could take that would change anything for my son's circumstances. The reason I knew that is because I tried everything several times over many years. I started speaking out loud to myself. "I've tried that 10 times and that didn't work. It won't work now". After I accepted that my actions wouldn't help I started putting my worry and guilt under a microscope to analyze it.
How does worry solve any of the problems? Is it magically going to change something? Is there any kind of power in worry?
How does guilt solve any of the problems? Can I change the past? Can I change some of the mistakes I made when raising my son? Can I change some of the harsh things I said to my son? Is guilt serving a purpose? What purpose?
When I really accepted that both these emotions were serving no purpose I was able to give myself permission to stop the dysfunctional worry and guilt. I kept telling myself I was shoveling smoke and it was wasting my life and energy. It was robbing me of my days which I could never get back again. I started yelling "NO" to myself every time I would worry or feel guilty and try to distract myself. Each time I felt these emotions I would ask myself how it was helping to solve the problem for my son.
Worry and guilt were another form of control for me. It was something I could do in a powerless situation and it was useless.
•Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
•Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
I am powerless in my son's situation and all the worry and guilt won't change that. I work hard to treat him with respect and let him know how much I love him when I talk to him on the phone. I set good boundaries to keep myself from harm. I don't allow him to use me as his trash can. Dumping on me is just as useless for him as worry is for me.
My son was sober for a year and just drank again. I saw him twice this year when I knew he was sober and I would be safe. I will always keep my distance until I see some real recovery and not just abstinence. I will never let him live with me again and put myself in that situation again. It is so much harder to put them out homeless than to just say no in the first place.
I do the next right thing one day at a time. I get knocked off my feet at times. I lose my balance and forget everything in a crisis. There are many here who help me up and brush me off and set me back on the path.
My son's addiction put me between a rock and a hard place and forced me into recovery. I had a lot to work on and a lot to let go of in all areas of my life. I still struggle with a bad ACA brain and PTSD, but I've never felt so content.
There are many here standing with you. Remember that when you are making these tough decisions.