Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice

My heart is with you, friend. You are going through some very rough times right now that are not of your doing.

You can get control of the situation with a change of perspective.

You can't control him. You cannot change the choices he is making. You cannot stop the boulder that is currently hauling down the mountainside, but you can control what you do in the face of this. You can move yourself out of its direct path.

I am not saying you have to go right out and file for divorce and I am not saying your relationship will never survive this. Not at all. What I am saying is that for now, for the moment, until that boulder hits the bottom, you need to step aside and let it get on its way. The sooner you do, the sooner some real change for the positive can happen.

He wants to use, he wants to scavenge what he can from his life with you to get his drug of choice, and he wants to say whatever he has to to make this your fault to avoid blaming himself. If it's not you, it will be the next person he sees once you've left the room. It does not matter to him. At this moment, you do not matter to him.

When I was in the path of my XABF's cataclysmic downward spiral I had to get to work on some healthy detachment skills. I had to work on letting him take the consequences of his actions and deal with his own obligations. I had to get busy making myself safe financially, emotionally, and physically until his spiral came to its end. By getting out of his way I made myself healthy and gave him a direct path to the bottom where he could finally reach for help. I had to keep faith that if we were meant to meet again, both of us healthy, we would.

Recovery is a lifelong endeavor. Seeing change in a month is just possible. Think of it in terms of years not days. You both need solid recovery work for an extended period to say if your relationship can survive. Don't lose hope, it can survive, but it will be vastly different from where you once were.

Changing your perspective can change your life.

Keep posting!! You are so right, you are so very much stronger than you can ever know!!

Alice