The way "I" were
Hello SR...
You were all right about the relapse with my stbxah. Even though the NC was broken and I was disappointed in myself - I did learn from it. I am back to NC again and this time it isnt so hard to do.
When I was discussing something with a friend today I realized something. I realized the person I used to be before my stbxah. I thought about it long and hard and then did a replay of my life with my stbxah and literally saw how I changed who I was for him. I can actually point out examples where something happened and I wanted to do choise "a" but I knew he wouldnt be happy and a fight might start so I did choice "b" for the sake of peace. And then suddenly I became the girl who always did choide "b" instead of what she wanted to do which was choice "a".
Before my stbxah, I didnt really put up with much bs. If I was unhappy with something then I made sure to say something or get out of it. Now that may not have always been the right thing to do and back then I could have used some lessons on how to speak up when I wasnt happy but all that changed when my stbxah came into my life. Because he never liked to stir anything up, I was expected to do the same. So I let so many things start to slip and not say anything for the sake of harmony. I seriously woke up today and thought to myself..What am I doing? I am so unhappy in my job that its making me lose sleep and get depressed and it has been like this for years and only getting worse. It was the same thing with my marriage. I was just skating along hoping something would change for the better.
So I am back to job hunting but this time I am not scared to do it. I placed myself in HPs hands. I just want a job that I can get by on financially and still be able to have a life. I would like to not be so drained from work that I cant take some classes and go running during the week. I want to live my life. I keep complaining about my job but I have done very little about it. I have been scared too. And with the economy I do need to be careful. But I cant live in fear. I am looking for a new job. And I am getting divorced. But I have hope again.....
So my point of this post is and I am sorry if I am all over the place with my writing but it really made me think of who I was deep down inside and how much I changed to pacify my sbxah. I didnt even realize it happened. L2L mentioned in her post about being aware in one's life and I know I wasnt. As a matter of fact I worked very hard to NOT be aware so I didnt see what was happening because it was too hard to face and then it became a habit.
Hugs,
Lulu