Gr8.... I'll add one part of my past for you to look at.... (sorry for the mega-long post...I'm a wordy guy. it's one of those defects of character that I haven't gotten past yet
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I was still drinking. Just got DUI #2. The previous 3yrs or so of my marriage were absolutely killing me mentally, spiritually, every way I could think of. She picked me up from jail Saturday morning and told me she wanted to "talk." 16yrs together had come to an end for her. She wanted out. We had tried counseling but couldn't seem to get anywhere. Now, as I'm trying to deal with arrest #2 and all that trauma, I'm getting divorced. Work had been steadily declining (I'm a stockbroker/financial planner) for the previous 5 yrs, my drinking was destroying me, I couldn't stop (and didn't really want to), "she" was leaving, I'd lose the house, the dog.....everything.
My life, from every angle I could look at it, was OVER.
I never.....and this isn't good.......but I basically never go to the Doctors office. 2 days later (the following Monday), I was at work, in my office.....trying to figure out what I'd do for a living after they fired me when the DUI was discovered (the stock exchanges watch for stuff like that on brokers and can revoke your license) and next thing I knew....my sternum, my whole chest, and both my arms started hurting like........man.....it was pain I'd never felt before. I was 37 I think.......maybe 36..... and I figured it was a heart attack. For a minute, I welcomed death. I figured it was as good a time as any to check out, ya know?
Well, I went to my doctor's office, got hooked up on an EKG machine (which was VERYYYY surreal, I gotta say) and everything looked fine. Doc talked to me for a while and I kinda/sorta came clean. I told him about getting arrested after having 6 or 7 beers (hey, that was the MOST honest I'd ever been......it was really closer to 3 quadruple rum and cokes, half a bottle of wine with dinner, 2 or three more quadruples, and 5 liquid cocaine shots over about 3 hours). I told him about the arrest, about probably losing my job, losing my marriage, losing it all.
I left there with a scrip for Ambien and some antidepressants. Those pills saved my life. I was close.......REAL close..... I'm SOOO thankful I had them and believe me, there was little question in everyone's mind buy mine that I needed help. This was just the best I could manage to get at the time....and it helped greatly....for a little while.
Unfortunately, they (the pills) did nothing to treat the root problem.....my alcoholism. That came about a year and a half later, after the divorce, when DUI #3 rolled around. I hadn't even been to court for the 2nd DUI (actuallty, there was a warrant out on me for skipping court - a tactical plan that backfired on me........lol, imagine that??).
So now it's 2 DUI's work is going to find out about, the marriage is already done and the divorce had been finalized for several months, I'm gettin' fired for SURE now, I had discovered my ex-wifes 3yr long affair with her boss, I was worthless going into arrest #3 and now I had even more proof that I was garbage.
...the purpose for this long-a$$ post.... get in to see your doctor. There ARE some temporary solutions to help you though some rough patches......but don't forget to consider that there may be more beneath the surface. For me, that "more beneath the surface" turned out to be not what I thought it was.
I believed, going into sobriety (which the courts FORCED me into), that stopping drinking wasn't going to solve my problems. I thought I might have a shot, with a clear head, at talking my way out of all the trouble I was in but the guilt, the shame, the self loathing, the feelings of worthlessness, the unstoppable compulsion to find my worth in what others thought about me, the inability to escape constant failure, the stress of feeling like I had to keep a dozen balls in the air and I can't juggle anymore cuz I keep taking shots to the gut.....you get the picture.... THAT stuff had been haunting me all my damn life - BEFORE I even started really drinking! "Not drinking" wasn't gonna touch that stuff I thought.......and I was right. When I stopped drinking that stuff seemed to literally consume my life.
I thought about going back on the anti depressants......I figured it was that or I'd take my own life sooner or later. Funny thing, the thought of paying some pharma company money to keep my thinking straight just pissed me off, so I didn't want to take that route. I'd gone to AA and had heard, over and over, that there were ppl who HAD thought like I did (all the guilt and shame stuff) for years....but now, by working those steps, they don't think that way now. Heck, I could see it on their faces that they didn't think that way anymore. They really seemed happy.
For whatever reason, God put some ppl in my life and those folks convinced me to give this AA deal ONE legitimate shot......really do all the stuff.....for once in my life, give this a REAL try.
I never........NEVER believed any of it would work. Honestly, I didn't really want it to work because I had dreams of walking into AA, telling them it was all a crock, and blowing my brains out to "prove" to them it didn't work (gee.... and I didn't think THAT sounded insane at the time...lol). For whatever reason, I started doing the stuff. ....and I haaaated doing it. I dragged my heels, I fought every single step, I wouldn't move quickly through them because MY thinking told me to do things MY way..... I resisted everything and my "defiance" was on high alert because I hated myself so much I was willing to risk anything just to feel a little power in my life - even if it meant breaking rules that would lead to me dying. ......but I did the work. I got a sponsor, I went to meetings, I told the truth at tables, I told on myself AT those tables, I did my 4th step inventory, I told the whole thing to my sponsor even though I wanted to tell my therapist or a priest, I worked the rest of the steps....... surprise surprise - I started feeling better along the way. I started feeling better than I could really ever remember feeling. It was pretty obvious that even though I still didn't like the program or the people, I liked the effect produced by working and living the steps.
Once that stuff became apparent to me...there was NO stopping me. Getting recovered is THE single best thing I've ever done. It's not a bed of roses every day.......but it's darn good 90% of the time and that crappy 10%, I've got this huge support system and a bunch of new tools and new ways to work through them so they don't take me down nearly as low anymore.
I know how you feel.....I've been there. Like I said before, keep your chin up because, if you want to get past it, you CAN get past all this junk. There's a live available for you that's....sheesh.....it's just beyond your dreams. ....and I've got a couple million people who'll back me up.
