EaglesNest

It does scare the hell out of me too! I am 50 and have never in my life felt hopeless and have never suffered from depresion...



Thanks for all the encouaging words, you would not beleive how much this has effected my hopes already...

I think something else is wrong though, along with the Oxy addiction... In the past I have taken Oxy before during and after surgery but short periods and felt some withdrawls but nothing like this time!!!!

Because of my back injuries I have neuopathy (nerve damage) and the doctor told me to take Cymbalta, an antidepresent although I had no depresion. He said the drug also relives neuropathy. And it did. I lost a lot of weight on purpose and was dropping medicine like crazy. Mostly for type 2 diebeties and cholesterol and blood presure. All good news and was great for the back. But then I stopped taking the Cymbalta too without the doctors knowledge and never noticed it. But then the depresion started every time I tried to back off the Oxy. I went up and down on Oxy for a year and a half as the back popped in and out. I truely only took what I needed to get by knowing it was addicting. But the last time I could not, as I backed off the depresion came like I have never seen in my life, very very bad...

So I told my doctor and he said to start taking the Cymbalta again and I did but even after a month no signs of the depresion stopping when I backed off the Oxy. I was stuck taking the Oxy to function mentally... without it I would just cry... and feel like I was dieing inside with no hope. I had nightmares of being in hell... and when I was awake I felt like I was dieing mentally with no hope... and just cry...

I was honest with my doctor and he said it was just withdrwls that I would get over it, just stop taking it. That's when I made it two weeks without. Most of which was spent sleeping or crying, I never left the bedroom or bathroom. I then gave up and took some Oxy and became mentally functional. Called the doctors office for a refill and they called back and said no... I then knew it was true, I was in hell and there was no hope... I called and called but all I got was no... then a certified letter discharging me from his care, his reasoning was I told him I was taking Oxy for depresion and it was only for pain. You have no idea how bad I felt at this point that I kew there was no hope and this is the end I was going to die and spread out my last few pills to try and taper down, as I tapered down I just slowly sank into a deeper darker depresion...

I took my last 30mg pill and went to the emergency room seeking help and I thought they were going to help, then the doctor came in and said he had talked to my doctor (of 8 years) and he told them I was a drug addict seeking drugs! Needless to say I exploded!!! It was quite a scene as I was crying and screaming that I was not a drug addict I needed help... they threatened to arrest me if I did not leave peacfully... but did give me a prescrition for remeron to sleep...at this point my nightmare of hell was still continuing and I felt so alone with no hope and have been that way for months while I tried to get help but unless I was useing needles no where around here has a plan for me unless I could come up with $20,000. for treatment... I have been selling everything I own to purchase small quantities of Oxy to stay alive... maybe I should use some of my old needles I think I still have for insulin I don't use anymore... I'm sure know that the doctor is pariniod he will be sued and is covering his ass. I would sign a waiver in a heartbeat to get some help as I don't think he did anything wrong untill he dropped me from his care.

As I read this I can not belive this is happening. This morning when I got up I did as I usually do, look for help and hope I find some before these last few pills are gone... can it really be this bad to get off Oxy? Am I awake? Is this real? Or is this part of the nightmare? I don't know what is real anymore, this can't be happening to me...I just re read what I typed, I can't beleive it... why would you? Just re-enforces my feelings of no hope... it's also the only time in my life I have felt God was not with me? What did I do? Where did he go?