pinkrose77

Hi there! I haven't been on this site in a while, I guess I've been trying to move on with my life and process everything that happened with my axbf. Long story short, we met in college, he got kicked out, I stayed with him even though I was going to school 5 hours away and he was living 10 minutes away from my hometown. Basically, he was lonely at home and his friends there had been the ones he used with in high school. I knew he went to rehab for oxycontin before i met him but he assured me he didn't really have a problem and it wasn't that serious. Then 10 days before my finals he calls me to let me know he has been lying to me about using oxys for 3 months and he is going to rehab.

He completes his treatment program, and we attempt to make a relationship work. It failed miserably. We were just in two different places in our lives. He told me that he didn't want a girlfriend who drank, and for the most part I was good about that but not all the time. I had a hard time just acquiescing to all of his requests and felt like he didn't deserve to tell me how to run my life. He would get angry if I would hang around my friends because he didn't think they were good for me. I am in my junior year in college right now and I am very fortunate to have a great group of close girlfriends and a loving family.

Its been 2 months since we broke up and I thought I was doing fine. We haven't spoken which is not my choice, but his. However, he will do subtle things to get a reaction out of me. Like he did today. He still keeps in contact with my family, and even sees them from time to time, but he will not talk to me. I have no problem with the fact that we broke up, I think it is a good thing, however, my head is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another. I have absolutely no animosity toward him whatsoever. I love him with all my heart and want the best for him whatever it may be. I just don't know how to deal with wondering if he hates me, or resents me, because if he did that would literally tear me apart. I gave my entire life to this guy, I was going to drop out of school and move in with him before I found out he was using and so far in debt he couldn't move out. My head tells me one thing about him, but my heart tells me another and its literally tearing me apart. He brings out emotions in me that literally no one else can bring out and it scares me. I don't know how to get closure for something like this. I don't know if he resents me because I was with him when he was using and in a sense enabling him without my knowledge. I just don't know what to do. I want to feel good, I start to feel good, and then he does something that makes my head spin and my heart sink down to my chest. I need that feeling to go away or I can never get better. I don't know what to do.