SadieLoew

Hi,
My name is Sadie. I live in NY. 31 female and this is my first day without dope in a long time. I fixed for the last time yesterday morning. Last night was hell. Kicking, screaming, sweating, freezing, crying and praying. I've been trying on and off to get clean but this time I really mean it. Every other time was just to prove I didn't "really" have a problem with heroin, you know the old I can quit this any time I want bs. But those were all lies I was telling myself.

I'm really scared and totally alone with this. My best friend in the world decided that he can no longer speak to me because we started down this hellish path together and he no longer wants anything to do with me. His girlfriend pushed him into it and I'm not going to argue the point. But to hear that the other day (which was supposed to be my 1st day) pushed me to use. It's an excuse I know and I wasn't happy with myself. But it's done and over with.

I don't want to use dope anymore. I've seen my friends die over the years and a little over two years ago my ex-husband OD in his car outside of Portland, OR. I never thought I would start using dope again ever. My first time I was 14 and lost and dabbled in it but never got into a full-blown addict mentality. I always thought I would stay away from this. But I didn't. And last year my friend and I met a guy and said F it. Let's party for kicks. And it spiraled pretty quickly. I am more lucky than a lot of people I know. Besides a **** ton of money I haven't completely lost control of my life. And now I need to start rebuilding what I've lost.

I am glad to be here, I am glad to be alive, and although I feel like hell, I am glad to start this one day without heroin.