It's coming up on one month since AH and I separated. I'm very slowly coming to terms with the fact that our marriage needs to end, but it's so hard when I'm still so in love with the man he used to be. AH is a handsome, charming, funny, intelligent, kind, generous man who happens to be rapidly sinking further and further into his disease.
He doesn't drink in front of me and is the type to isolate himself when drinking instead of being the stagger around the house causing chaos kind of drunk. Which is not to say that he doesn't cause chaos. He's caused plenty of that by not being emotionally available, by the reckless spending, by the lying, by spending more and more time away from home, and now by the infidelity. But it's been easier to overlook the other things (aside from the infidelity) because when he is home and spending time with us, I can still see all the qualities that made me love him so much in the first place.
I know that I'm clinging to the memory of a person who no longer exists, but it's still so hard to separate the man he used to be from the man he is quickly becoming. I don't want to stop loving the man I married, and I hate giving up the dream of the family and future we should have had together. I know I need to do that, but it's something I'm really struggling with.
I met with a psychotherapist this week who explained to me the devastation going on his brain, between the alcoholism, PTSD, depression, and post-concussive disorder (from Iraq) and how his destructive choices have absolutely nothing to do with his love for his family. She actually said to me, "that poor, poor man. He's destroying himself and everyone he loves and he's out of control to stop it." In a sense it made me feel better knowing that it really is a sickness causing him to act this way, not lack of love or morals. But on the other hand, it just makes it harder to leave. I want to hate him for what he's done, but I just can't.
I could really use some support from those who have left an alcoholic whom they still deeply loved. I wish with all my heart that he would be "cured" and I could have back the man he used to be. But I know that will probably never happen and I need to find the strength to move on. He's been part of my life for 23 years (since I was 15) and it's so hard letting him go. I miss him terribly and am so angry at this disease that's taken him from me. I know I can learn to live without him, I just didn't want to.
