Thanks Shaun....... thanks for bringing it up and thanks for helping me feel less alone and thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.
I've brought this up with some friends in that proverbial meeting after the meeting and I've even mentioned it here. It seems, in my experience, that there are SOME "defects" that you're just stuck with. I don't think God will necessarily remove everything we feel is a for-sure defect either......even something that our good book TELLS us is a defect. Well, maybe he will but WHEN is the question...and who's to say "God's time" is within the next 20, 30 or 40 years? I'm 41.....I've got the same issue you spoke about. For now, I seem to be stuck with it and, as our 12x12 says, I just need to be content with
I do the same darn thing you described....and when I hit the bar, raise it again, and hit THAT bar....and by some miracle don't move it a 2nd time - ask me how I feel -- I say "nothing, it's no big deal" cuz in the back of my head I'll be thinking I should have moved it higher and hit THAT mark. It's a set-up for constant failure. When I'm on that bad track....I'm in trouble. Everything feels awful. My failures are too numerous to count and my successes, the few that I can see, are worthless.....then I'm worthless.....etc etc etc... wash, rinse, repeat. That crap....over and over and over and over and OVER totally dominated me at about year 1.5 through year 2.75 or so. It was hell on earth. I dare say, it was worse than any of the pain I felt when I was drinking, relapsing, and playing all those games. Here I had the wisdom to know the difference and totally lacked the power. --lack of power is my dilemma.
I never really thought about going back out over it......but I was a miserable wreck...and everybody (especially my aa friends) could see it. I was basically F'd, I didn't know what to do, I was freaking out, I was praying like a lunatic - BEGGING God to come save me from myself......and nothing......it persisted for a friggin year and a half or so. That's a LONNNG time when yer in hell and the only solution you know other than booze - GOD - seems to be hanging you out to dry in the wind.
I did find a solution though. I still go back a teeney tiney bit once and a while but, for now anyway, it's maybe for minutes.....or an hour at the most. Before, it would set in for, well, a year and a half. LOL.
What I did wasn't "in the book" and it's maybe not appropriate for this room (the pseudo AA room) but I'd be happy to tell anyone who's interested if you wanna drop me a pm.
GREAT GREAT topic though......and thanks again!!