Ugh, there's no good approach
My aexh asked me if he could bring his gf to a conference with the school counselor about some of our daughter's difficulties; I said no, I wouldn't consider it until I saw some indication that she was willing to assist with my daughter's care instead of acting like the mommy and primary caretaker. I also brought up that I don't think a live in relationship where the woman is determined to take on the role of wife and mother and the man is determined to keep his hand ring-free is the greatest environment to raise a child in-- especially a daughter.
Maybe I'm interfering... but I don't think so. I have no ulterior motives, and I don't expect him to change. I have just gotten to the point where I'm not going to hide what I think anymore. It was gently suggested to me last year that I should make an effort to speak my mind more often; my views are no less valid than anyone's. If I die next week, it would be stupid for no one to know what I believe about things going on around me.
I don't know what is worse: the grimy and disgusting feeling I have for getting involved, or the anger I feel because he is doing something to me that I would never do to him by letting someone else be my child's mother. My guess is, she thinks she's more qualified to take care of my child than I am, and he doesn't have the ba!!s to stand up to her. Okay, so be it. Sure, he can blow a bunch of smoke out of his hind end about it to me... but just the same, that's what I think.
I don't expect him to have the strength or emotional maturity to set those kind of boundaries; he's proved over and over and over that he doesn't. I've just finally gotten to the point that I can stand up to them by myself and be okay with it, but I hate doing it. I hate the person I become when I deal with him and let him know what I think, and I also hate how I feel when I keep my mouth shut and pretend that it's all right for my child to witness all their conflict, and for me to take a back seat to my own daughter's care. Yuck. Yuck. I will be profoundly grateful when my daughter is of age and I don't have to deal with him, or them, anymore.
Thanks. Hugs much appreciated.