Hi hotpepper,
welcome
She may deny she has a problem though.
And if she does that's OK. I mean OK in the sense that it is not an unusual response, in fact for an A that's the normal 1st response to a 1st confrontation or question about alcohol consumption.
Well, the dream is we confront them they say Oh wow you're right and then they go get help, get sober, find recovery (meaning they deal with their underlying issues seriously) and we get the marvelous person who they all are sober to be a part of our lives!
*sigh*
No matter how she responds the only way to know if an A is serious about sobriety and recovery is if you see their
behavior change. They will say all manner of things to keep the charade of "this is normal" going, and keep you wondering if it is your fault or if you are crazy and making it all up etc. Meanwhile, going along with an alcoholic's vision of normal leads to the whole family unit getting very sick and warped.
So pay attention to what she does, not what she says.
I thik this is a great statement:
I want to tell her I love her and that she's scaring me and that I'm willing to do what it takes to help her.
I might just want to define "willing to do what it takes" a little more specifically! An A can put you through the ringer taking all the help you can give!!! Don't take it personally (hard in a marriage I know) but she will just be doing what A's do. The addiction makes them use any means necessary to let nothing stop the drinking. So they will use all the rules of love, intimacy and engagement to their benefit...benefit being: nothing gets in the way of my drinking.
Glad you're here - collectively here on SR we've seen it all so you're not alone!
Peace-
B