Thanks to both of you. I can't really come up with a good, black-and-white picture of what I want right now. I also haven't identified precisely what it will take to say "Okay, that's it, I'm definitely out of here" or "okay, now we can give this another try". I think what I'm aiming for here is getting a sense that things can and are changing before I'll stop making plans to leave.
I know that I can't reason with her and she has to do this herself. When I told her my issues and how I feel I did so with full knowledge that it probably wouldn't do or mean anything to her. It makes me feel better to have said it out loud to her, though. It's helped me get to a place where I'm closer to feel like I've done everything I could do and if it didn't work then it's time to leave.
I think she might have paid attention to some of it as, even though she wasn't feeling well yesterday, she got up and did "her" chores plus a little extra. Any other time she would have used the excuse of "my nose is stuffy" to stay in bed the whole day and ignore all of the things that normal adults have to do even if they're not feeling 100%. Of course, I had to listen to her complain the whole time "I feel like crap" but reminded myself that this is the way it SHOULD be. I didn't react to her whining and helped her with the extra stuff. I refuse to be very encouraged by this, but at least it shows that maybe she can change.
Things might are shifting in the household anyway. I started a new (employer-imposed) work schedule this week that cuts our evenings together down to 2. Her schedule is probably going to change at the end of the month to give us back the 3 evenings but I'm not optimistic that she'll actually stay home instead of going out on the majority of them. Then, my ex is making noise about canceling his weekend this weekend and due to circumstances this may become a long-term thing. We'll see how all THAT pans out this month also.
And I'm still working on leaving. I will be receiving a commission check near the end of the month and she's slated to be out of state for work for the first two weeks in November. That would be the perfect circumstances in which to physically get out if I work things right. If I do I'll go no-contact. In the meantime I'll hold on to the fact that what I say or do is probably going to make little difference, that now I have to keep only my and the kids' best interest in mind and not to get sucked back into her madness. I think I can do that.
