That line of thinking says that I am inherently to blame for the situation that I found myself in, that I somehow created it, or was at least equal in the blame for the chaos he brought into my life. I am no longer willing to accept that line of thinking anymore. I was not the cause of my boyfriend's drinking, I was not the cause of the chaos it brought into my life, and I will not accept any blame for his actions
I try to avoid blaming altogether. I simply believe that we are all responsible for our own behaviors, that we "volunteer" for our own problems and as often as not come to depend on something outside ourselves to regulate our feelings....whether that is booze, drugs, work, food or adrenaline producing relationships.
It's not just having an addict in your life that makes you codependent. Codependency is a set of thoughts, feelings and behaviors and actually doesn't even require a "relationship" with an addict. Many nurses are codependent by virtue of their occupation, not their relationships. It is all in the response to the addict....not just having one in your life.
Just like drinking alcohol doesn't make one an alcoholic, having one in your life doesn't make you codependent. which is why I stipulate that codepedency is an adrenaline addiction. Generally speaking, like any other addiction, the issue is doing the same thing over and over and expecting diffferent results. You IMO are not codependent. You actually seem to have handled yourself and the relationship quite sanely and serenely. That is NOT typical codep. behavior.
Addicts "use" without their own permission. Codeps do exactly the same thing in their adrenaline saturated relationships. No adrenaline....no codependency. Sorry, but I don't subscribe to all the Melanie Beatty touchy feely emotional complications generally associated with codependency. I think it's much simpler than that. The way codependency is defined by most people these days, one can hardly be a caring human being without being labelled. I think that's nonsense.
blessings
zenbear