I hated my parents for years for what they did to me; abuse-physical, emotional, and psychological. I have no memory of sexual. I could not speak of them without rage rising to the surface. That was before I got sober and, even then, it took some time.
I had to gain perspective. I feel they did the best for who they were; flawed, sick, human beings. I had every reason to hate them because, in part, it fueled my own sick emotional life.
I used what they did to me as an excuse for everything I did,on a subconscious and conscious level.
When I was able to take responsibility for my actions, through my life, I could see them, and me, for what they and I were/are. Sick people. I did not have children because I did not want to be responsible enough to change and become mature enough to raise a child in a healthy way. I knew what I was capable of doing. I did not want to change.
I was having too good a time, doing what I was doing. All the while, beneath the surface blaming them for something, didn't much matter, as they were my emotional/irresponsibility scapegoats. Whatever I did "they" were responsible, not me.
I had to accept, I was a headstrong, angry, determined, self-centered child, who was only interested in what "I" wanted regardless of whether it was okay or not. I would get caught, receive consequences, and do it again. Sounds sort of like addict behaviors, doesn't it? Should they have reacted the way they did? No. But, by my self-centered actions, I brought it on myself and still didn't learn. Stuck my hand in the fire, got burned, then, did it all over again.
I agree, what they did was not right. I have to accept my part, even as a child.
Am I defending them? No. Am I seeing life from a different perspective? Yes.
I feel like, if I had had a child, I would have done to it, what was done to me. The "generational curse", as I have heard it described.
Seems like, through their twisted perception of the world, they could behave any other way. Were they ever called out on it? No. Back then, things like that were not done very often. Especially in all be the "worst" families (whatever that means).
Ever had something tragic happen which required you going to funeral and you showed up high/drunk, whatever? People would say, behind your back, couldn't he/she just refrain, this once? Noway. It was the only way you would have known to handle such a situation. Just as they didn't know how to deal with me and my actions. So. I learned from them what to do when someone else didn't behave the way I thought they should have from my twisted perception of the world.
Just something to think about. I couldn't relate to this for a long time because my twisted perception and sick emotions, prevented it. For some, it may take a little time, others- a lot of time, still others, never.
We are all where we are in this journey. We each view life through our own set of filtered glasses.
Time either will, or will not, change the prescription...............