Back about a month ago, we were having a talk about alcohol. He said he was glad to be sobering up but he wanted to drink socially someday in the future.
We were having a gentle talk, not an argument, but I did say: "Yeah, but then if you know that alcohol likes to get its claws in you, why not just avoid the whole thing and have juice or a Coke? You can be the guy who drinks Coke, that can be your thing."
He sort of got annoyed and said, "See, you're trying to woo me into your way of thinking..."
"But why is that so unthinkable? You don't like Coke? Have Sprite or something."
He said, "I'd feel defeated."
"Who's defeating whom?"
But then we were both getting antsy so we decided to change the subject.
Back when husband was with his old partner, she had a breakdown and started having psychotic paranoid thoughts. It was partly a reaction to a terrible job situation. She was convinced he was the only one she could trust; she stayed in a hospital for a while. He was really supportive of her (didn't have his drinking problem then) but he's confessed that it was really hard on him--it was like his best friend got possessed by aliens. He felt really lonely.
She got better with meds and counselling--they stayed together for many years afterwards. We're both chums with her now, she's doing great.
I feel the same way about husband now. Like alcohol is some parasite taking him over.
I've read a lot about the idea of detachment as described here. I rather think it's a natural process; I think a few months ago I felt that hairline fracture of "Hm, nothing I do or don't do seems to make a difference here." And once the detachment starts the seam grows deeper day by day. It used to come naturally to beg and plead for him to stop drinking. Now--I could do it, but I'd have to psych myself into it. If I wanted to, I might drive to [port city] now, search for him, then throw him over my shoulder and take him home and there would be swamps of tears and love. And then the same thing would happen next week.
Anyway, I'm not sure if anyone would be able to get through all the preceding but it helps to share.
Hugs.