Harry01854

“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.”

Well, my sponsor told me to get notebooks and pens. I asked him how many of each? He told me to start out with a couple of those double notebooks (whatever they are called) and a few pens and if I needed more I could get them along the way. And he said when I get them, to use the layout in the Big Book. First listing names, after that, institutions and finally, principles. Next to follow was the causes and how they affected me. He also reminded me that this was not supposed to be the story of my life and to just follow the directions.

I explained to my wife I was going to go into the bedroom, close the door and what I was going to do. After in there I invited God in and prayed for his help for me to be thorough, and rigorously honest.

So I did just that, started out with a list of the names and in some cases just who the person was because I had no name. After a period of time I did the same with institutions and then principles. When I was sure I was done with resentments, causes and the affects, my sponsor and I got together and he guided me into the turnarounds. When done with those I started my sex inventory following the same directions.

It was through the turnarounds though that I saw what I did wrong what I could have done different. I learned how to stop blaming others.

“We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.”

So I went over everything I had written down and added where I forgotten some. Went over it again and again and when I was sure I was done I let my sponsor know. He then told me to make a list of things I had done wrong. Stressing upon the fact that I should include everything that I was not going to tell anyone and was sure I was going to take to the grave with me.

How many names were on my lists, or how many notebooks I had used are not important. What is important is that I was honest and thorough.

One thing my sponsor told me from the beginning, when we first started at the “Doctors Experience,” was that this wasn’t to be a race. He would constantly remind me “no speeding in the trudging zone.”

He would come to see me at least 2 to 3 times a week to see how I was doing. Not how I was progressing with my 4th Step, but more concerned how I was handling it. And, one thing I did notice when he would come over, I had my Big Book and notebooks out, and as we were talking and sharing, he was thumbing through my notebooks. I won’t swear to it, but he probably read everything I wrote before we even got to the 5th Step. Lol


Through this process I had seen all my fears, real or imagined. My sponsor also had me make out a list of things that I had done that were good. We all have good in us, for some reason or other, I had fears of what people would think of me if I was to show my good side.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”

I was 58 years old when I was doing this process and most of my life was like a flash and a lot forgotten. I have to admit, with God's help, I managed to remember quite a lot.

I didn’t count days, weeks or months that were to go by, I can tell you it took some time. When I was done, next Step was Five.