my breif story
Wanted to share my breif story and what has helped me so far.
43 years old, male, drinking for over 20 years, binge mostly up to over 1/5 of rum a day almost every day the past 2 years. Led to a divorce a couple years ago, have a blessing; 5 year old son out of it. Been a functioning alcoholic the entire time except recently. Career successful, personal life a wreck. This bled into my career and I am on STD for a bit, job was spared for some reason, I am damn lucky. Am damn lucky I haven't had legal issues. Have had health issues recently, ulcers due to alcohol and probably liver damange and more. Had 3 suicide attempts over the past few months, 2, a couple weeks ago. Was drunk, taking sleeping pills with my car in the garage, I came to and got out of the garage before I was dead and called ambulance to get me to take me to the hospital. Fell down the stairs and broke my nose, my freinds got me and took me to the ER. I honestly don't remember anything but waking up in a CT machine. Felt more suicidal than ever. One time at he ER, I snuck out and took a bus to the city looking for a gun to blow my head off. I was so drunk, not only did I not find one but put myself in some danger as well. Almost committed myself to a mental hospital last week. I have been struggling for years whether I am a true alcoholic or not, every rationalization and justification in the world has went through my mind. I have tried to take the easy road and think that I'm the exception, thinking that I'm somehow "Special". Read every book I could on the subject on how to overcome alcoholism without AA, etc., Went to AA for a bit, kept me sober for 6 months a couple years ago, but the wife was making me go and I never contributed or worked the steps.
Present day, only one week sober. However, I've had a monumental shift in my life in this short period of time in doing the steps. The short answer would be I've had a spiritual presence enter my life which I was VOID of completely. I was always skeptical.
Went to an AA meeting last week for the first time in a long time, feeling suicidal and utterly hopeless, I got a sponser who has been taking me through the steps. I've never had a sponser and the first time I went back to AA, got one.
I always looked at going to AA as a jail sentence. My thinking has changed. I couldn't sit quietly in a room alone before this week. Now I have an inner peace I've never had before. All the money in the world couldn't buy this, and I've had financial success. I'd give it all up in a second to have this peace.
Come to find out, I'm not "Special". In fact, I've been extremely Selfish, Self-Centered, Inconsiderate and driven off of Fear most of my life. I am in the process of making ammends now. I am at the point that I will do whatever it takes to stay sober permenantly. I give up. Myself is and never was working.
I am still very frightened of relapsing as almost everyone says it will happen. I am trying to figure out my triggers, learning coping skills and taking action every day to work it. I have to stay the course and this is the big unknown for me. Through the grace of God, I pray it won't happen again. I've quite hundreds of time swearing to never do it again and I'm at a crossroads where I could loose EVERYTHING I have, home, car, job, custody and my LIFE. This may not be for everyone, but I am truely an alcoholic and fully accpet this now. The irony is, I thought of this as massively depressing before and now I have a totally different perception. I've found many times the answers are there, we are just not aware of them. That is the part of alcohol that is so deadly and deluting and I now realize what "insanity" is when said in the meetings of alcohol is. I'm trying to never take anything for granted. This is truely a disease and I feel from the bottom of my heart for all who are suffering from this addiction. I hope this will help someone, we are all God's children.
Thanks for letting me share.