I dont' know what to do from here. I want to acknowldege the problem, but I don't know how to go about doing it without saying/doing the wrong thing. I'm at a loss.
Hi Lily10 and welcome!
What you describe is the typical rock and hard place we can find ourselves in with our A loved ones.
It seems like
you have acknowledged the problem. It doesn't seem like he has. And even if he does acknowledge it that means nothing! Base your assessments on actions only, not words. Many, many an A has confessed in dramatic fashion, and inspired deep pity on the parts of their loved ones, to their drinking problem. And then they go on drinking.
2 books I recomend are
Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and
Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham. One helped open my eyes to how codependently sick I was, and the other gave me total respect for the disease of alcoholism/addiction and how much bigger then me it is, how I have no control at all over it, and neither does the addict until somehow, some way
they have suffered enough and
they make the monumental effort to begin and sustain recovery.
It is a huge change for any human being to make, so I realized I needed to find ways to live happily and never be "waiting" for that recovery moment in someone else. It may never come, and I certainly cannot control whether or not it ever does.
So what can you do? As hard as it seems, the important thing you can do (and really the fair thing to your kids) is to focus on yourself and your mental/physical/financial health. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And however clever and sneaky we think we are being measuring their intake - believe me they are 1,000 times more sneaky and more clever at hiding their booze consumption from us. And that "beer-police" role can end up making you very sick.
I've read many articles and have been to a few Al-Anon meetings that tell you what you shouldn't say (don't threaten, don't guilt them, etc). So what am I supposed to say?
Threatening, guilting, arguing, are all actually ways of enabling the alcoholic. It makes you the convenient target for their blame and a justification for further drinking. Step out of the way of that! So what I learned to say say is just what I mean. I'm prepared to back up whatever I say. And be prepared to accept that this is not a healthy relationship where you get to have rational conversations and normal give and take that happens betw lovers. If one part of the partnership has an addiction or is codependent there is just no way to have a healthy marriage!
I don't say this to freak you out or anything - I say this so you don't think YOU are crazy when you start getting into the kinds of useless conversations, promises, and lies, and general unpredictable insanity of the A behavior.
I say this because I lived it with my parents (A father & codie mom) I've watched it with my A brothers relationships, and I lived it in my marriage where my well-learned codie tendencies basically made me 1st choose the wrong partner, and then made my marriage unworkable/unlivable/unlovable.
Keep up the AlAnon, accept help, and keep yourself and those kiddoes safe! He will do what he will do, and it is no measure of his love, or anything like that, it is a measure of the grip the addiction has on his body & soul. It took me a decade to resolve that assumption about my A dad. I was a child and thought - if he loved me (us) he would stop.
Peace-
B