Originally Posted by
aehmnm 
My post wasn't really intended to be directed solely at me and my situation, but what I have learned.
One thing, however, that irks me (and I have spoken to my sponsor about this). Yes, in many situations we have blame. And it is good to take a look at that and understand your part in it all. Sometimes you are not at fault at all. And to force yourself to find fault in yourself when it is not, is, in my opinion, an exercise in futility and can be very painful. However, giving to God, surrendering it to His will and His plan, well, that I can do. Always and forever.
Amy, Lexie said it all (as usual). She made the point I was so clumsily trying to make. I wish I knew Lexie in real life, but I really think we'd probably be like oil and water. <grins>
I want to share a little anecdote to try to illustrate my point.
My late Mother in Law (MIL) was crazy. I've done a fair amount of reading on sociopathic and psychopathic personality disorders. I strongly suspect she must have been one or the other. That I could tell, the woman had not a shred of conscience.
My husband and I had been married for seven years when MIL died. During those seven years, MIL stole (both cash and items) from us. She tapped our phones and listened in on our conversations. MIL was able to do this because she was employed at the local phone exchange, where she eventually lost her job for tapping phones. After she got canned, MIL staked out our house and took pictures of my comings and goings (which I found stashed away after her death). And those are just the things she did
to us. I could write a book about her other activities.
If you ever get a chance, watch
Hush with Jessica Lange. That movie sent chills up my spine. It brought back scores of bad memories. I would never doubt my MIL was capable of orchestrating something like that.
Anyway, the way MIL treated both me and my husband has been something difficult for me to let go of -- yes, even though she's dead. I'm working very hard right now to own my part in the situation. As far as I can see this was
A) Treating MIL exactly like the crazy b!tch she was -- I refused to answer her calls, avoided her at all costs, etc. It just fueled the situation.
B) Is connected to A. I should have just divorced myself (both figuratively and literally) from the situation. I cost myself years of grief, years that I will never get back.
C) Letting her make me unhappy all the way from the grave.
The whole thing has been a crazy chapter in my life. It's been hard to let go because I'm faced with constant reminders of it. My alcoholic brother-in-law (ABIL) exhibits similar behaviors, though he's not as cunning and creative as MIL was. I allow his behavior to exacerbate the nightmarish memories of MIL. Now that he lives only 1/10 of a mile from us, and we see him more often, it's even more pronounced.
However, something I've realized very recently is this: If I want any happiness in my life, I've got to let it go.
One thing I have to own is that my ongoing anger is a part of all this. I have admitted to myself and accepted that I can't let this sh!t hover like a big, stinky cloud over my life.
When I finally admitted to myself that
A) I fueled MIL by the way I treated her
B) I was equally at fault for not declaring the situation untenable and leaving, and
C) that I'm killing myself by remaining angry
I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off me.
Like Lexie said, overcoming all this baggage is akin to letting this woman live rent-free in my head. I can't allow her awake tsunamis of angry feelings or or avalanches of memories. I am slowly learning how to put her in a box and throw away the key.
As the ultra-wise Lexie also said, some of letting go is adjusting my life so my toxic ABIL can't turn my existence to poop. I do have control over how I let him affect my life. I am going to keep it as minimal as possible.
I have to let go and let God. I say the serenity prayer a lot.
I'm sorry this got long, but I was so sorry when I saw that I'd said the wrong thing to you. I apologize if my message read as though you were at fault. I wanted share my experience, but I was too vague about to be effective.