good for you for recognizing what you lived and what you feel!! you can't take the word of an Active alcoholic and you don't know that anything he says is true....you only know what is true for you and that is all that matters. In some ways i see that my living this for so long has make me very callous to those words, all of which i heard toward me too. Of course i am always to blame for everything and he denied drinking most of the time, even though i could smell it.
you describe hte life of a drunk and you should trust yourself. You are a smart and wise accomplished person who has a right to be happy....i realize that when i try to banter with my AH it is because i am trying to cause a change in him...the truth is, it doesn't matter if he validates me or not, what matters is that i validate myself. i have every right to feel the way i do and do what i must to be happy....you do too!! and i don't have to defend my happiness to anyone. I'm sorry that you have to go through it, i remember those feelings only too well....but after 20 years i am hard to it all. I know i deserve better and you do too. he is in denial and thank goodness you are not! YOU GO GIRL....you deserve serenity so do something nice for yourself to show yourself that you believe YOU, don't allow him to make you question yourself.....he is sick and that is sad!! you are in charge of how you want to live and feel. Enjoy that!!