Yes, I definitely love him, enjoy spending time with him. We have a drink on the patio every few nights after work, and I love when he will actually sit and spend time with me. He doesn't enjoy that time though, he does it just for me. He'll roll his eyes when I ask him if he's ready to sit with me. He has to go outside and smoke a cigarette 1st and then I can come out. The rest of the night I basically cook dinner, do my work (his notes) and then it's bedtime. He sits on the computer or watches sports. He'll talk if you talk to him, but will not engage in family activities such as games or movies.
He says he cares about me but he doesn't know why and it's the only thing that keeps him from leaving.
Yes, my going to church makes him feel judged.
He doesn't smoke in front of me because he had quit for about 3 yrs. Then I thought he had started back and he lied to me for 3 moonths. The lies really hurt me. I was also hurt because he looks like a heart attack waiting to happen: big belly, high blood pressure, fatigue and it angered me that he couldn't keep himself healthier for the girls and I, that he didn't consider the effects that smoking and drinking would have on us, and that basically he's trying to kill himself slowly. Now I know intellectually that none of that is true from his perspective. I know that he is hurting and that's why he drinks and smokes and that no matter how much he loves us he can't stop.
I'm OK with the smoking now, but I know he feels uncomfortable smoking around me and that's why he avoids talking to me outside. There is no talking inside-he just gets absorbed into the computer or TV.