I can truly relate to this. I was NEVER a person who yelled or screamed until i was with an addict/dry drunk.
The crazy making behaviour was totally baffling.
I wondered many times if my ex was mentally ill, and truth be told, I think all addicts have some form of mental illness, whether it be depression, personality disorder, self hatred etc.
And everything is fixable ONLY if the person who's damaged wants to be fixed and wants to stay that way.
Two years ago, my ex said something very demeaning to me when we were out and he was drunk, since I never came from verbal abuse or had any ex vberally abuse me, I left him and went right to therapy 3 days later.
Maybe this helped him realize a few things because that same week, he walked into AA (and I never ever nagged him about his drinking) and he stopped drinking. Cold turkey, and relapsed once for a few weeks and stopped and has not had a drink since.
My ex wants to get well. He has two great kids who need him and the last we spoke after we broke up, he was starting a step group and expressed fully how he wants to get well. Not for me, or us but for him. His actions were the coping skills that were taught to him. His actions are ALL he knows.
Codepdendence can be just as abusive, but we are more covert in our operations.
We scold, criticize, nag, are self righteous and act like superior beings to the addicts.
Everyone has a role in a relationship with an addict.
If both the addict and codie don't get help, then the dance never stops.