How Dry I Am
I’m sort of upset.
I have been striving to relate AH as though he is in recovery — because — he’s in rehab at the VA (a VA several states away). Indeed rehab is NOT the holy grail of sobriety. As Still Waters noted – a dry (non recovering) sober alcoholic is impossible to live with also. Is there a way to recognize recovery when it is happening? I bet there is and the reason I have to ask is because I’ve never seen it.
So I just got off the phone with the words “whore bitch” echoing in my ears. Not a bulls-eye, but he grazed me. Even though I know it’s not true, I also know I remain distrustful and scared and dubious about any contact with him – and therefore just a tad touchy.
Hark! The phone is ringing. He wants me to call him. He thinks we can talk now. Oh frabjous day.
Originally, I wanted to post in the screaming thread. I am awestruck by my screaming fits. Never been a screamer until the last six months in this so-called marriage. Three criteria from the stickies on abuse explain why I scream – (1) discovering one was mistaken in where one stood or what it was about (2) feeling perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can’t get him to understand your intentions, (3) where one assumed good will, ill will seems to prevail. Actually, there’s a fourth which I paraphrase in my own mind as “NO MATTER WHAT, he doesn’t seem to get it. Along about then the screaming starts.
Well. . .I wanted to be there to support his 30 days in rehab, but I’m thinking it’s time to go NC again. After all, it doesn’t depend on me in any way. He is killing me slowly – and I swear I almost believe it’s conscious and deliberate. Lately, I’ve been noticing that some of us seem to be married to people who are alcoholic, but not mentally ill otherwise. I have come to believe my AH is mentally ill apart from the alcoholism. Any other opinions/thoughts etc on this? Thanks for reading my ramble.