DayTrader - Thanks for the reply. I am losing sight sitting here at home alone and my mind is just racing and I need help getting grounded. Yes, blend sounds good and I get that and I also get that there will be a path to that for me to find without giving up on AA or on my life because giving up on AA puts my sobriety at risk - at one month this is still so very fragile. I think I just started focusing on what people were saying about how they loved meetings more than anything else but that is not really what people meant I'm sure. I just got overwhelmed and got worried which prompted a new "fear" of AA - not the fear of joining but now the fear of what staying and getting more and more attached meant for me.
This anxiety is just uncomfortable and I wish I could relax tonight. I must say that I thought of wine and how nice to just escape this conflict I am feeling. But I won't go there. I'll walk my Wheaten Terrier. Just sharing the feelings right now is helping.