queenteree

I think I posted here a few weeks ago about AH's relapse after 10 mos. sober after he got 3 dwi's. Things were going ok in those 10 mos., trust issues sure, but I knew he was going to relapse, all the signs were there for about a month. Anyway, it's like day 18 of his bender, and also since I kicked him out of the house. He's been partying it up at bars all over town (the skankiest bars, no less), sleeping in either motels, stayed at his mother's briefy (she said no drinking, he drank, she threw him out), or on the streets, don't know which, but gathering by when he shows up at my house wearing the same filthy clothes he wore 3 days prior when he was at my house (and each time I call a cab for him and make him leave), I'd say more sleeping in the streets. In any event, this weekend he came to my house several times.

On Fri my son texted me (son is 26, doesn't live here, just came to cut the lawn) that AH was sleeping the my shed, when I got home I made him leave. He does not have a key, yet I noticed my door opened and he had showered. Come to realize he climbed thru my dining room window and there was this tan dirt looking thing all over my window ledge, which I cleaned up and learned that it was poop. Come to realize that there was poop all over the chair in the shed too, plus his socks and sneakers that he left there. He his the pants in the garbage pail ...

In any event, last nite he comes to my house, I call him a cab to make him leave, my son (other one, 31 yo who lives here) makes him leave cause he wasn't listening to me. He refused to go, my son said "it's either you leave in this car (taxi) or a police car", AH chose the taxi. (Meanwhile I had called my precinct when he first relapsed and asked if they would arrest him for violation of probation and they said no, they can't do that, only po can, but AH didn't know this, and have since called his po twice, who does not follow up).

AH comes here this morning, I'm in the house, go outside to have my cig and coffee, just relax in the morning, and there AH is sitting on the chair ... I say "you need to leave", he says "I'm done, your husband has resorted to sleeping in the streets and I can't live like this anymore". I go inside to get the phone to call a cab, come back outside and AH is not there. I go to the shed, where I know he will figure he'll pass out (he was intoxicated). In any event, I go to the shed, there he is, laying on the crapped on beach chair on the floor, knife to his wrist (already made one cut, not really bleeding) and I asked him to give me the knife. He said no, I went to grab the knife and he pulled it away from me. I said "I willl not wrestle with you to get the knife, but if you cut yourself, you're on probation, I will have to call the police and you will be arrested". With that, he takes the knife, slices really hard into his wrist, blood coming out alot, looks at me and hands me the knife. I immediately called 911 and got my neighbors to come over to try and stop the bleeding. Cops and ambulence arrive, the only male cop on the scene yells at me cause he said I was screaming (even tho I wasn't and even the female cop and my son both agreed I wasn't), so I kinda told him off, asked if he was "hungover today", cause really, he had a major attitude problem.

Anyway, they take AH to the hospital, ask me to go to give psych info on what happened. I go, AH is there, said to me "see what you made me do??? You always aggrevate me, you bring me to this". I just said "I'm not dealing with this" and left the hospital. Psych called me later. I explained what happened .. psych was going to release him, asked if he could come home to me. I said "absolutely not". Psych said more of an alcohol problem than mental health, I asked psych "well, ok, this person is on probation in two different counties for dwi's, he claims to you he is going to go ahead w/the divorce, live upstate and drink his life away, meanwhile he has no car, no license, no money and no way to get to probation, let alone if he's drinking while on probation which is a violation, does that sound like a sane person so you????" I told him if he let him out on the streets while he is a danger to himself, then if he threw himself in front of a train, we'd be seeing each other in court ... I was not going to have him come back here to finish the job.

Anyway, psych than calls AH's 77 yo mother, who calls me. Hated telling her what happened, but did. She didn't want him going there either, she calls his brother .. who is a recovering alkie for over 20 years. The brother finally gets the dr. to admit him to psych, then calls me. Proceeds to say to me "I don't know if you know what he's been doing ... " I said "I know" which I really don't, and quite frankly did not want to hear ... I told the brother (who I totally can't stand and he doesn't like me) that while I took his brother back after jail and love him, I can't do this, won't put my granddaughters thru this. He says to me "I don't give a sh** and I don't give a sh** if my brother kills himself" meanwhile he is bringing clothes to him tomorrow ... don't get it. Anyway, the tone was bad ... almost like it was my fault.

Problem now is the codie in me is wondering "what he has been up to" and I just keep crying and crying how did it get this bad ... I know how it got this bad, I can answer my own question, alcohol again made it this bad!!!! Yet I keep crying and asking it! I am pissed at myself for being used for 10 mos. while he was sober, only planning to drink again when he felt like it, but I did have the sober him back, which messed me up ... maybe I had some glimmer of hope, and I think that somehow, someway reality sank it today with this whole thing, cause I can't do it ever again....I can't, this means goodbye to him, I may have always been waiting for his bottom, thought dwi's were it, when he gets out of psych will he blame me, he already is ... I know I am not to blame, I will not own that one, I did nothing wrong, alcohol and his choices are to blame on that ... I stuck to my boundary ... nothing wrong with that ... help me try to decipher what I am feeling ... I am so very confused and very upset at what I saw right in front of my eyes today ... help me please .... I need to get passed this, and quick ....

Just to let you know though, thru it all I went food shopping, cleaned the house, did laundry, and made a nice roasted chicken dinner for me and the girls as I normally would do .... But still I need help!!!

Hugs,