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Hi. Thanks for taking a moment to read my story.

I’ve been involved with a woman for 7 months now. Before we got involved we we’re friends for about a year. I am divorced for a year and have four kids. She has been separated for 9 months and has two young kids. She still lives in the same house as her estranged husband.

About three months ago, she voluntarily started the program. She has a history of using alcohol to cope with problems that she was not willing to deal with. And realized she needed a better way to deal. So, she went through a six week outpatient group therapy program. Since then she has been going to meetings twice a week or so.

In the meantime…she has slipped a few times. Four to be exact.

I am not sure what to make of her slips. She obviously has much on her plate. Her estranged husband is verbally abusive. Has a drinking problem himself. Has a total disregard for what she is doing in the program and the amount of effort she has put into it. He is the cause of much of her misery and doubt over the last several years. The moments she has slipped…have had to do with him either egging her on directly or indirectly.

A few nights ago…she slipped again.

I’ve have read that the first year is very tough. And not to make any life changes in that year. Or get involved with anyone. The thing is…we we’re already involved. I am just not sure what my role is in this. I care about her deeply. Love her, actually. I just don’t know what to do when she slips. After each one, I’ve encouraged her to go to her meetings, not to beat herself up, etc.

I think she’s realized over the last few weeks that she can’t do it on her own. And that she should limit her time around her estranged husband. And especially after the last slip. I think she really sees the power both the alcohol and her estranged husband have over her.

So…what is my role? What do I do? I believe if she would make a move on getting her estranged husband out of her day to day life (ie speaking to a lawyer, trying to get him out of the house, file for divorce), she would feel much better about herself. And maybe the pull toward alcohol might not be as strong.

When she is feeling weak…I listen to what she has to say. When she is slipping…what do I do? What do I do when she’s already made the choice to drink? One of the nights she slipped…I knew she had started to drink. I went over and stopped her. But, I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do. I am not a hero. I don’t want to be a hero. I don’t want to be her parent either. Clearly she made the choice to drink. When someone is there making that choice…what do you do? Do you let them do what they have to do?

Also…for myself…the last two slips involved her going to the liquor store and buying the alcohol. She made that choice to drink. At any point she could’ve called me…and didn’t. She wanted to drink. I…both times…felt betrayed. Betrayed that she made that conscious decision to go buy wine and drink it. it wasn’t as if it was in her house already and she was tempted. She went out of her way to buy it, bring it home and drink it. All the while, her estranged husband drinking along with her.

Still hurt by that…

Other than these moments, Her and I have the makings of a really good relationship. It can be a great one. I see her. I see who she is. The last few months…have been astounding. The change in her…it’s the person I see her to be. But, these moments she has…these slips…are frightening.

So…what do I do?