Joslyn

I just finished Codependent No More. I cried through the whole book. You may remember some of my prior posts. My AH had been sober for many many years and now is back at it again (I've known about it for about a year), and we had a lovely encounter by four state troopers at our door. It was a near miss for him as he was not arrested. I "thought" that was his rock bottom. Come to find out he is at it again, he is not a falling down drunk (yet!), as I know this is progressive disease. I've read the book, I'm doing my best to detach. I've detached from my 16 yo daughter and it is working quite well she is up on her own in the am and her grades are largely improved from last year (when I looked over her shoulder every minute as a codependent). Since the second realization of his drinking after I thought he had hit rock bottom, that was the knife that turned into my heart and realized that I have some major decisions to make. However, I am taking this slowly and not obsessing about what he is doing. Although I have to say my anger creeps up and I'm re-reading to book to make sure I work the steps. We are like roommates passing in the night. It's surreal, we NEVER fight even in the worst of times, and I've clammed up because anything I say will be passive persuasion and conveyence of guilt on him. I do wake up in the middle of the night with a panic (which I think is white knuckling as some have referred to on this site). How do you work "through" these issues. I'm focusing on getting what I need to get done at this house. We have a beautiful home but it needs some work, much of it my AH is readily able to do. He spent last weekend taking our $3,000 Rainbow play set back from Michigan (he had taken it apart because our kids didn't play with it at our primary house and he was going to reset it at my Mom's lake house for all the kids to play). He never did it. Instead, he dragged it back here, and helped his coworker build it in his yard (they have younger kids). I really felt sorry for myself that 1) he didn't rebuild it in Michigan and 2) I could tell he had a few with his friend while he was over there. Meanwhile my 10 yo son kept asking what time he was going to be home. I really need to work out my resentment of him. This family deserves this playset as he has helped my AH many times on projects. But I need to be more "assertive" not aggressive in terms of what I need. So, today I spent the day (again I suspected he had a few last night, and broke out the book and cried from 4 a.m to 6 a.m), telling him what I needed done at our house. One of which is the bathtub that needs a simple faucet replacement that is a "10 minute job" according to him. The tub has been out of commission since my 10 year old was a toddler. Baby steps I will not get angry with him if he doesn't do it, I'll simply hire someone to do it and be happy that it is done (and trying my best not to be passive). I'm so beyond depressed and sad that my AH doesn't wake up. I have though and I think I am about to step forward and truly grieve about the marriage so I can move on and focus on my kids and myself. that said, we exchange pleasantries and that's about it, so this whole polite roommate situation is maddening...help....how do I stop white knuckling if that is what I'm doing - as I don't know what that means.