Troubled Nomad
Hello to all.
I live in Brazil partly because I think i need to put a lot of distance between myself and my alcoholic mother.
However, I am experiencing a lot of guilt, worry and insomnia since she had a heart attack and had some stents inserted during angioplasty. I seriously thought of dropping everything here and moving back to Germany, where I grew up, to be close if things get worse. But things arent that easy..besides the alcoholism, my mother has obsessive-compulsive disorder, and it is distressing for her to have me close. The 'mess', for one, - symbolic for too much life, too much intimacy, I believe - and the control i find myself slipping into. On my side, the sadness over her drinking gets to me after about three days, and we both feel it's high time to part again.
She didnt like the idea when I said i was coming, but now, back on the booze, we had a screaming fight where she said I was no good as a daughter. However, I feel i provoked things saying that she neglected me and never called. Its true that she's totally passive in our relationship and expects me to take care of her. I've always felt there was no real support coming from her, even when I was a very young child and she tried to dump her misery on me. She also blames me for her drinking.
I'm a codie and have something like anxiety attacks where I feel totally helpless and unable to comfort myself. Cling to people unavailable emotionally.
I'm going back to Germany in three weeks and feel i have a lot of sorting out to do.
Please write if you identify and have any ideas, or just to chat.
Hugs to all,
Doris