Thanks again.
If nothing else, posting here and reading about it all has made me feel less angry and resentful towards him. I used to think "alcoholics" were people who really really liked beer or whatever. Or people who were just jerks and wanted an easy excuse.
Now I think people are alone in their addictions. There really is some plangent, relentless siren song that my husband hears that no one else around him can hear. So in the most fundamental way I don't know what he's going through and can't really do anything for him.
It's a great relief not to feel so much anger and resentment anymore. I still don't know how things will work out but that in itself feels like a gift.