Yes, it is like hearing the rantings of a madman on the street - very good analogy.
Jaguar, I had the same questions when I broke up with an alkie.
His whole attitude about it makes me insane, like it's so casual for him, so painless. Why doesn't he feel sad? Why am I not valuable to him? Knowing the answers intellectually doesn't do anything for how I feel emotionally right now.
I get the feeling. The man I went out with acted the same way. After 2 years I know the answer - it is because he is an addict.
His concerns are
- how to get booze
- how to use others to support his ADDICTION
- how to recover from the hangover
Repeat until death.
It is a good thing to have all these questions - it means YOU are not an addict. We will never "get" them.
By now all I know is that I need to stay as far away as possible from them. They hurt and hurt, and then hurt more. It leaves you shocked. It is a slow dance of death and if they are denying the problem its on you to break the abuse cycle. Sadly many die without ever acknowledging any harm.
But they DO harm others in so many ways. Many of us need therapy to recover from the emotional/physical damage and to know what we found attractive in them in the first place.
This man also seemed to be someone entirely different - but we all show our true colors at some point.
I agree staying with them is enabling them and saying "it is ok, the way you behave and treat me is ok". So why would they change?
What Addicts Do
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (What Addicts Do)
Excuses Alcoholics Make
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Excuses Alcoholics Make)
Dealing with the anger against them, I have found sports help me a great deal, therapy, and remembering HP/karma - we all pay now or pay later.
No contact restored me to sanity. No contact with him, any of the common friends, deleting the pictures and blocking him from email/Facebook. Talking with people that get it because many people regard them as "just drunks" and have no idea about alcoholism and how incredibly damaging it is for the ones that know them behind closed doors. I spent too much of my time listening to such people and all it did was confuse and hurt me.
This man was verbally abusive and I recently saw a pic of him in a bar. 2 years have passed since we lived really bad nights -you know, when they get angry because they want to drive drunk even if they can't even walk straight -what they are really saying is that they don't care if you live or die as long as you are with them in the passengers seat-, or because they want sex and you don't, or because I dared say I was not happy when he woke me up 20 times during the night, everytime more and more drunk- GUESS WHAT?
he is still drinking. He stated he was planning on drinking the rest of his life. Hard to argue with that. And that is exactly what he is doing. Its his life -he is allowed that.
I am glad I didn't stay with the hopes he would give a damn about me.
Active alcoholics don't give a damn about themselves - they can't care about others either. Its not that they have love and don't give it to you - there is just no love in there, not for them, not for you, not for anyone. Alcoholism, and how to sustain it, is all there is in their world. It is sad and tragic but that is their problem - not ours. There is much we can do for ourselves to feel better, find meaning, find joy.
I am glad you joined SR.