Thanks firestorm for your input. And don't despair if you're still a bit of a jerk. It's ok if you aren't perfect as long as you recognize when you've behaved badly. And care. Everyone is a jerk sometimes, right?
I am interested in what all this is like from the alcoholic's perspective. I know not all alcoholics are abusive, but it seems like many (most?) of them are at least somewhat abusive to their partners. ??? If nothing else, verbal abuse seems to be a pattern, and blaming, accusing, avoiding responsibility, dumping, overall selfishness, and a lack of consideration for the feelings of others.
I've confronted my ABF many times about his complete lack of remorse. He says I don't know what's in his head. He certainly doesn't EXPRESS the remorse if he feels it. Is he feeling shame and guilt? I really have no idea. Most of the time he acts like he has done absolutely nothing wrong even though his behavior is WAY beyond any semblance of acceptable. He doesn't come crawling the next day to apologize. He acts like nothing happened. And if I make an issue out of it he responds by painting me to be histrionic, needy, a psycho, crazy, over sensitive......etc etc etc.
When an alcoholic is in recovery does he(she) feel like absolute sh__ for mistreating and ultimately losing their spouse?
This is depressing and distressing.
I want to find more hope. But I seem to have run out of denial. I have a stomach ache from thinking about all this.