SoloMio-
I am sorry for your families loss. Your husbands grief is probably very real, but it is still not fair the way the alcoholic takes the whole family hostage. I applaud you for not wishing to have to control everything, since your h is not in control of his own self.
perhaps an ultimatum is in order- in hopes that it would stop him from being comfortable enough to keep up his behaviors.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is heartbreaking, I am sure.
hope he hits bottom, so he may wake up, and see what he has to lose.
hugs,
chicory