I'm short on time but wanted to post something for you that someone wrote to me when I was pregnant with my son.. It made a lot of sense to me then and may help process some things...
by:justanothrdrunk
I'll share a little more here. Guy's perspective I guess, and a former drunk's too.
We have a 3 year old son, and we have been trying to have another. Before our first little guy came along, and before I was sober, I seriously didn't want a child for a few reasons.
1. Cuts into my drinking time (from the brain of an active drunk, married, no kids)
I have a schedule to keep. I wake up, still a little drunk from the night before. I calculate how drunk I am, how long before I'll be able to drink again, and gague how bad the shakes will get. I hit the bottle first thing in the AM if needed. Go to work. Come home, and hit it hard 'til zero-pass out-thirty. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
If there's a baby in the house, you might actually expect me to help you with stuff. And I'm usually too drunk to do that. So that means I will need to drink less. That's a scary thought to me being an active alcoholic.
2. Being an active alcoholic, I know darn well I'm not equipped to be a dad. So now am I not only worried about having to drink less, I'm ashamed as well because I'm about to be a drunk dad.
Factor one child in the picture already with a new one on the way. The above is exactly the same for me. Now that I'm sober, the prospect of a second child seems like no big deal. I'm a veteran dad now so I know what to expect and I'm actually looking forward to another little rugrat scurrying about the house. But, like the above, when I'm drinking, more kids are not good for me.
1. Second baby cuts into my drinking time.
I have a schedule to keep. Sure, we already have one. But I'm used to one child. Adding another to the mix would further reduce my drinking time and that we cannot have.
2. Being an active alcoholic, I know darn well I'm not equipped to be a dad. I know I'm already messing up one kid's life by being a drunk, and now I'm going to mess with two kid's lives. Now I'm going to be doubly ashamed about being a drunk dad.
When I was a drunk, change was bad. I was in a drinking rut and I liked it. Don't change my pattern.
If your A is anything like me, this is exactly what is going on inside his head.