Ann & Healing,
Thank you both so much for your words. I really needed to hear the encouragement that both of you offered. I find myself going through the day picking everything I do apart-- yes, I have awareness. And sometimes that feels like a curse! I am really working on acceptance of myself. I have heard other people at meetings echo what both of you said -- that it is SO worth it to do the steps, that when you come out on the "other side" life can be beautiful and peaceful in ways I don't know about yet. . . and I believe all this. I want it so badly!
I have been trapped in my head quite a bit lately. So yesterday as I was riding the subway, I kept saying the serenity prayer whenever I felt myself starting to loop those familiar tapes in my head. I asked HP to remove the longing for whatever thing outside myself, even if only for a few seconds. I'm happy to report that it works! I'm only getting a few seconds of relief at a time, but I can see that it works and that living in the now can become a habit of mine, just as living in the future & past became a habit of mine. Only difference is, the now is a healthy habit.
It's a struggle though. It really is. I have to be very careful to not skip over myself in the process of changing my perspective. My habitual perspective is negative right now, and that is what I want to change. But I really lose my way if I just try to flip my perspective. I get EXTREMELY anxious and then worry that I'm trying to force myself to feel something that I just don't feel. Does anyone identify with this? I can't flip a switch and go from "glass half empty" to "glass half full." There is a step in between that I havent' yet really been able to articulate. . . I know it involves me getting in touch with my feelings when something is perturbing me. . but things perturb me so much, this is quite a tall order. . .
I will have to experience this more before I can figure out what is going on. . . it's reminding me of playing the piano, though. you learn the left hand alone, you learn the right hand alone. . . then you put one phrase together. . . verrrrry slowly. maybe have to go over it several times, make some adjustments to the fingering, etc. . . practice it a ton until one day it just becomes second nature.
now i have a clear roadmap for learning a musical piece. but i don't have the clear roadmap yet for derailing my negative thoughts and harmful reactions. . . that's what i'm working on. trickiest of all these thoughts seem to be the ones that start in joy and/or boredom and quickly devolve into sadness, what ifs. . . arrrgh i hate that.