Hello all, I am new to this forum, so please bear with me, and if this should be posted somewhere else, let me know. Just posting it here as this is the closest fit I can find, after studying the rest of these boards. Warning, this is long! and thank you for reading!
I am looking for some points of view and advice on a rare situation.
I am a mom to a soon-to-be 16 year old daughter. I divorce her dad due to his alcoholisim when she was 2 and I was 23, and 2 years later in a custody battle while I was in college she was given to him to live with and saw me every other weekend. I was
always there for my weekends, and
always paid my child support. Jump forward 12 years, and last year, due to her suicidal thoughts, we agree to have her come live with me for high school. A year later to today, and her fathers alcoholism raged out of control. An incident around alcohol and threat of suicide by him occured, and the police and social services were brought in. Through working with the police and social services, she is now living with me, and I have filed for full custody. Right now there is a protective order in place, and she does not see him or talk to him at all, though that may end soon. Still, per the paperwork pending, and her own determination, she won't go back for overnight visits, and only have supervised visits.
When I divorced her dad I went through 2 years of counceling and worked very hard to enter into recover. We were very young, married at 19, and his drinking and controling/emotionally abusive behavior developed as we were married. My parents were good people, neither addicted to anything, and I had a great childhood with a loving family. The alcholics I did see were removed uncles on the occasional vacation. I attribute this as to why I left early, and again, worked on my issues for a good 2 years before dating again. I am now married to a wonderful man, have a strong family unit full of love and we do not tolerate abuse of any kind. Survivor strong, with always an eye to codie behaviors.
Now, today, I have a daughter of an alcoholic. I always knew this day would come, when she and I would have to deal with the effects of her dad's drinking (he was in and out of programs over the years, but never stopped). now that it is here, I am still full of questions.
This is what I have done to help her. I make all major decisions for her but listen to her point of view (school, health, the decision to contact the police, the decision to pursue custody). I am taking her to counceling 2xs a month, and she accepts it. I gave her the book "It won't happen to me: children of alcholics". I have a strong daily schedule (dinner at same time, clean house, chores, money, how to treat little sister and mom and step-dad). I am encouraging friendships, but watch her closely, protective. I talk to her about what I know surrounding alcoholism, but I try to limit it to 2xs a week, so it is not like I am ramming info down her throat or insulting her dad. I try really hard to be respectful of her dad, but I am more committed to the truth, and if you are not treating someone nice, well then, you are not treating someone nice.
My questions and really my concerns are:
How do you help a 15 year old who has been plucked out of an angry alcoholic environment? I mean this is dramatic change, that world is behind, this world is reality and is now and every day.
It's hard enough being 15 years old.
How is this change going to affect her in the future? If we spend the next two years tring to face the last twelve in an open and loving way, will that help her have a better life, and even break this cycle? one can only hope
Am I missing something that I could or should be doing to help her?
Her councelor recommended not to re-live the event with too much discussion, as it re-tramatizes her, hence the 2xs a-week limit on talk about alcoholism.
Last week, after reading the book I gave her, she had an "awakening" on her own and realized her dad is an alcholic and she can't control it. I think she is in shock. How do I help her deal with shock????
I can't make her choose to recover, or face all or any of this. But she is my daughter, so I can not, and will not, just walk away from her on this. We are close, and in our last heart-to-heart she said she couldn't ask for a better mom than me. :ghug3
I know this forum is for "Adult" children of alcoholics, but as a mom helping a kid now, I was hoping for some perspective from all you adults. What would you have wanted to happen? What if this change had happened to you?
Thank you for "listening" and much good love to you all.