doing my step work. or trying.
trying to rest and keep myself sane. went to 2 meetings this weekend.
and still. . .
now. . .
i am powerless. my life is unmanageable.
everyday it's something different. RABF got me here. now we are on no contact. 2 weeks and it's caught up with me: i'm not mad at him anymore. i miss him. i dream about him. even when i'm not thinking about him, my brain brings up his name and tells me how much better doing something as mundane as walking to blockbuster would be if he were here.
now, it would be nice if i could subscribe all this to love. but i can't. i've been this way before. with other guys.
i've never really been content where i am, with who i am, or with who i am with. it's always something missing. something else out there. it's easiest for me to focus this on another person.
in high school, i picked a guy who liked me but who was older than me and not really available. he tortured me with his on-again, off-again advances. and it's been that way ever since. i didn't like not being in control in HS, so after that guy i decided i would always be in control of my romantic relationships (ha!) and never devote myself to someone who i could feel had that power over me. i thought i was so smart to have figured out how to not get used by guys like some of my girlfriends! but what the F*CK did i bring on myself?
my RABF. . . you know, i left him for this other guy many years ago. Because i KNEW. I KNEW that this other guy was PERFECT and it was lOVE and everything was better. and you know what? it was. this other guy was wonderful and i was really smitten for a few years. but then? it started to not work out so i went back to RABF.
now this is what is making me crazy. all those years ago, before i left RABF for the other guy. . . i remember walking around with RABF, doing our day to day things and my heart ACHING because i wanted to be with the other guy. it would be so much better if HE were beside me and not RABF. well. .. now this other guy lives in my city not far from me and we do things together sometimes. he knows i am in recovery, etc, but i hung out with him yesterday and had the EXACT SAME REACTION. . thinking about RABF and "knowing" it would be better with him, not this guy (who i'm not even dating , by the way).
so this made me feel really crazy because it wasn't even the guys that had changed. it's my damn brain distorting everything. 6 years ago, reverse the 2 guys roles and i was feeling the exact same thing. so it's not them. IT'S ME.
It was not about appearances, it was about the chaos going on in my head and my heart. I was always one trigger away from insanity.
My life was unhappy and there was no real peace in it, only momentary pauses in the chaos.
I fill my life up with. . romantic drama & sex. Food -- always figuring out what to eat next that will cheer me up. Smoking (just quit, arggggh). And obsessive thinking/fantasizing.
I don't even know if this belongs in step one, but i think it relates to unmanageability and powerlessness.
Also, someone posted yesterday that that thought codies were sicker than addicts and someone else agreed and this sent me into a total tailspin. i know "take what you like and leave the rest" but i just couldn't handle those comments for some reason.
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