Originally Posted by
chicory 
But , what about my grandma? would you say she did wrong? in taking care of us? she literally saved us. there are so many more things that were awful about our lives with our parents, and "mom" showed me what good clean living was. how to work hard. how to make time for relaxation, after the work is done.
I think this is what makes co-dependency so fuzzy... people like your grandma steppin up and taking care of you! She did the only thing she knew how to do.
To me there are so many gray areas in co-dependency. At one of my recent al-anon meetings, we were talking about control issues and how we always need to control everything, etc. One of the members piped up and said she thinks "controllers" are being unnecessarily persecuted. By being controlling, her children had a stable childhood with a warm home and food to eat. They had help with their homework and someone to hear their prayers, etc. despite being raised in an alcoholic home. To me it's the same with so many of the codependent behaviors... they are usually really good qualities that cross the line.
I am kind, loving, sensitive, funny and compassionate. These are all good qualities! Somehow they morphed into major codependence. Just my observation.
Sounds like you have done some real soul searching, Chicory. Awareness is the first step ~ then acceptance ~ then action. Keep on keepin on! I'm proud of you.