Welcome! The good news is that if you stay sober it will get better. I started my recovery in AA and I know no better place to deal with the emotions that you are feeling, and to be supported in your decision.
Whether or not you believe alcoholism is a disease doesn't matter, at least not to my way of thinking. I an guessing drinking has become problematic for you and your are ashamed of some of your actions (by your post). What is important is that you are here seeking help meaning you are willing to change.
All the best. If you have an interest in AA just type AA into Google.