goodenough

It was suggested I re-post this here, rather than on the Relationships Forum, so here goes:

I've been lurking here and found great comfort. Now I am in a place where I could really use some of your experience, strength and hope.

My AH and I have known each other for 23 years, been married for almost 4. He hit bottom spectacularly in mid-July, ended up in a homeless shelter after when I refused to rescue him from his latest fiasco, and checked himself into residential treatment, the first time he has voluntarily undergone treatment or been in an inpatient rehab.

He graduated from rehab day before yesterday, after 50 days. During that time I have been going to Al-Anon and reading everything I could find about codependency. An eye-opening and often painful experience, but also the lifeline I needed to remind me that I can have a good life if I focus on taking care of myself and living in healthier ways.

Yesterday (first full day home) he picked me up at work and it was as if he were drunk, although I'm pretty sure he wasn't. He said all the same hateful things, laid on all the old blame, was as abusive and manipulative as ever, saying he was leaving because I don't love him any more, that he would never get sober as long as I was such a crazy f**king b***, making up lies about what I said, etc. I tried to be calm and detach, but couldn't find a way to do it. He did this for a couple of hours, while I tried to stay rational, in the moment, not bring up the past, etc.

In the middle of it, he snatched the keys, stormed off to the car and went to his AA meeting. Came back much calmer, gradually worked himself back into the same state of obscene, totally irrational raging. I finally went to bed.

Got up in the morning to find him sacked out on the guestroom bed, where he spent many a night after drinking himself into a stupor. He hadn't been drinking, though, as far as I can tell. We were able to talk some, and he was able to communicate way better than before about how his feelings of pain and fear are so raw without alcohol that he can't deal with being at home or with me in any kind of thoughtful, aware way. He wept, I wept, we embraced, and I had to go to work.

Here's where I'm hung up. I am immensely grateful for the fact that he has gone to meetings, stayed sober, is trying to communicate effectively, and is self-aware enough to understanding what's going on with him, even if it's only after the fact. I am very proud of him for the effort he made during rehab and the effort he's making now. My problem is that I can't seem to detach from him enough to deflect the pain of the awful, awful things he says. I know intellectually that they're not true, and that they are an expression of his own self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. I know that he is using personal attacks and pushing my buttons to create a chaotic environment to distract from actually dealing with his issues. I know it's just a habit that he hasn't broken yet. I just don't know how to extricate myself from the situation once he's created it. Do I say something like, "I love you, I can see you're having a hard time, but this is really painful for me and I need to go do something else."? Do I just get up and walk away?

He seems almost desperate to start a fight, to get back into our old toxic patterns, but I am absolutely committed to not going there ever again. He knows that I am working hard on my own recovery and that I am trying to steer clear of involving myself with his unless he asks. I'm comfortable letting him make his choices and face their consequences without any more intervention from me. I just want to know how to protect myself from his attempts to suck me back in as a player in his drama.

I genuinely believe that for now, anyway, he is really trying. I think this is way harder on us both than we could have really expected. I can see that the best thing I can do is disengage when he can't resist the old wife-bashing ways. I just don't know how! His words cut like knives, and I don't know how to step out of range.

Sorry this is so long. Any ideas?