I had planned on writing this whole thing on here about how I’ve now decided that I’m not going to waste my time telling my husband that if he doesn’t quit drinking/get therapy/stop being a jerk I’m going to leave. Why bother? He’s emotionally abusive and drinks every night. From what I’ve read, the chances of him “recovering” from
one of those things long term is very slim. Both? Probably not a chance. I’m having a hard enough time mustering up the courage to discuss this with him once. I don’t want to have to do it again. So – Done. Leave. Divorce. If you get better call me and we’ll see but I’m not going to be waiting around.
The way things have been happening for me lately is that I decide something, then worry and stress and second guess myself. I read like crazy, think about it all the time and then suddenly I see I’m right and move on to the next step. So it was just Thursday that I decided I was just going to ask for a divorce right away. I’ve been in the midst of all the back and forth in my head about it and then tonight my son was in an accident. Nothing serious, just a fender bender. He was looking at the street name when the car in front of him stopped to turn right and he didn’t see them in time. He had time to slow down but not stop. Nobody was hurt, minimal damage to the bumpers of the cars, we have insurance.
The problem is that this is the son that is more like me and that my husband isn’t as nice to. I walked in the house and told my husband that Son was in an accident. (he was gone at the time I got the phone call) First question – “What was he doing?” Told him, said there wasn’t much damage, not a big deal. “It is a big deal.” No, it’s not. It was an accident, happens all the time. “Our insurance is going to go up.” Oh. Well. (And yes, I realize that on paper it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal but it’s the tone he uses and the look on his face and… Trust me, he was furious.)
My whole goal was to prevent him from being a jerk to my son. Maybe I’m too easy on my kids but I figure he feels bad enough already. Yelling at him or being mad at him isn’t going to make things better. He wasn’t goofing off or doing anything wrong when it happened. Sure, we can turn this into a learning experience but it doesn’t have to be mean and it doesn’t have to be tonight.
So far my husband hasn’t said anything to my son. He’s drinking like crazy though. I finished dinner and told him it was done when he came in to get another beer. “Don’t have time. I have to pick the $&#^ing grass and weeds in the front yard and blah blah blah blah” Um. Ok. It’s 8 at night and the weeds have been there for weeks but right now, at this very minute they have to be picked so urgently that you don’t have time for dinner. He does this all the time. He’s mad about something so he does things that make his life harder and gets mad about them and complains. I think he thinks he’s punishing me that way. And honestly it used to work because I hate it when he’s mad but I don’t react to it anymore.
So that’s where we’re at right this moment. He’s drinking a beer every 15 minutes and I’m trying to stay up until he goes to bed because I want to be able to run interference for my son if I have to.
And I’m married to this man why? And I am afraid I am wrong to divorce him why? I don’t know that I would have left him much earlier because my kids were younger and would have had visitation with him alone without me there to protect them but I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for not realizing how unhealthy his anger was earlier and not standing up for them more. I don’t know if I can do this another night but I don’t know if I’m ready yet! I still need 3 or 4 weeks to get enough money saved up. I don’t know where I’ll go if he doesn’t leave. I was hoping to go to a counselor to work out the best way to handle things with my husband to maybe diffuse some of the anger he’ll be feeling and what to say to my kids who don’t think his behavior is a big deal…
I talk like I know what I’m doing and like I’m strong and confident but really, on the inside, I’m scared. I’m scared that my kids will think I’m selfish for leaving their dad and I’m scared I’m going to be broke and have to stress about bills again and I'm scared I'm over reacting and seeing danger where there's not but most of all I’m scared that I’ll chicken out, that I’ll let things just go back to normal like I always do and I’ll never leave…
If you’re the praying sort, could you say one for me tonight? And tomorrow, too?
Thanks.