Silkspin mentioned yesterday in a post about motivation for discussions.
Another realization - In my head I had composed the dialog for the discussion (fight) we were going to have, whether he liked it or not. I had my question set up and my anticipated answer, which he would deliver perfectly, no doubt.
The script of the conversation we were going to have to solve the (HIS) problem.
I must say though, it was beautifully written, very moving. At one point he actually got his knees to thank the heavens I had chosen him. (sniffle tear)
But what, at that moment was my husband's problem?? It was MY fear of his relapse. My goodness it still so strong. Even though i say to myself and I have posted here that I'm over that. UPDATE!! I'm NOOOT!
My motivation to continue on the subject, which by the way was really dead, was to make him understand that by not agreeing with me - he is fooling himself about his recovery. Translation - christie is scare to death about you drinking again so you need to do this...
I knew full well that if I pushed hard enough I would get the monster - and man - he delivered. Point proven, Right? Good Job Christie you're an expert manipulator.
He is responsible for his reaction to me, absolutely, that is part of his recovery. And as hard as it is to not remind him of that- I have to keep my mouth shut.
I do hate some of things he's says to me. Maybe I need to listen harder to what he's saying, -not to allowing myself to be put down of course- but to see where it's coming from. Maybe it's still my resentments coming through. I don't know yet.
I can only control myself -I will keep saying that.
I have to pay attention to how I say things and why I am saying them.
Work on myself - my motivation - what I expect from my life. Just keep moving forward.
Give my husband to... what was his name again??
Oh yeah - GOD
Thank You Wicked, Silk, Charlie, Mags, Pelican, Jos
YOU ROCK!!!!