This sucks. why do I keep torturing myself?
That was my question too. I think once I reached the point of addiction I didn't want to stop, ever. I always figured I'd stop tomorrow or next week or next year..... that I deserved just "one more" before I quit for the day. Or one more to just feel normal again.
I finally decided that, given my thinking, there would never be a time when I really wanted to stop (except when I was in pain, of course). So the only thing I can do is not to feed the addiction, one day at a time. I'm glad you're back with us and hope you make it work this time.:ghug3